Why don't you put that down and come sit next to me.
- How's that? Everything cool? - Great.
- It worked? - Perfect, Branford, you hear?
Good, I'm glad you liked it. So, Will, I'm off like a dirty shirt.
Hey, peace with two fingers, man. Give J some for me, all right?
There's definitely some perks to working for NBC.
- I call the couch in the living room. - No, I'm sleeping on the couch.
You can sleep under the couch, you squidgit.
- I'm sleeping on the couch. - I said no.
Oh, grow up, you two.
I can't believe you're staying here.
Imagine calling an exterminator for a few harmless little crickets.
Supposed to be soothing, for God's sake.
No, Uncle Phil. I don't think you understand, man.
Now, these ain't them cute little Jiminy-wish-upon-a-star-type crickets.
No, man. These are big, mean, nasty, bug-eyed...
...take-over-the-human-race kind of crickets, man.
You can borrow my makeup, but the key is subtlety.
You want your date to think you stepped out of Vogue not a clown car.
- Date? - Tonight's the night.
I go to the movies with Randy, remember?
Randy? Randy who?
Why wasn't I consulted about this?
Stop pretending you don't know anything about it.
You already gave permission.
You cannot keep little girls from growing up.
I can and I will.
Ashley, come here.
Look, now, seeing as how this is your first real date...
...I think there's a couple things you need to know.
Listen, if you're gonna hold the popcorn, make sure you hold it up in plain sight...
...so when he go reaching for the bucket...
...he don't miss, talking about, "Oops."
And stop at a gas station and make sure that tank is full.
And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.
Oh, man.
Thanks, but it's just a little innocent date.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Oh, you're right, nothing's gonna happen...
...because I want you back here at 9:30.
But the movie doesn't even end until 10.
Well, you can catch the end of it when it comes out on video.
- Daddy! - Ashley, be back by 10:30.
Ten-thirty on the dot.
Not 10:31, and that's in this house.
Not on the porch, not parked out on the driveway.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
...I'm gonna go check the video camera over the front door.
Daddy never gave Hilary a curfew.
He was probably hoping she wouldn't come back.
Oh, that reminds me, I'm gonna be out late tonight.
I'm shooting a commercial for Casual Cup coffee.
That's great. How'd you get it?
Well, the director said I reminded him of the coffee.
Oh, yeah, he probably thought you was hot, creamy and rich.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
I was pretty sure I wasn't mountain-grown.
Check please.
I guess that leaves the house to just you and me.
I can write my paper while you study for your midterm.
It'll be nice and quiet. We can clear tables like the study center.
You know what? I know how we can make it even more like the study center.
I won't be here.
I'll go run some ball. I'll get with you all later.
But you told me you haven't studied yet.
I haven't.
Look, Carlton, I'm the king of cram.
All I need is three solid hours and I'm cool.
Will, let me tell you a little story about the grasshopper and the ant.
I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?
Just listen.
See, the grasshopper goofed off...
...while the ant worked hard storing up food for the winter.
When the winter came, the ant had food...
...but the grasshopper starved to death.
You know what the moral of the story is?
Yup, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.
All hail, the king of cram is about to take his throne.
This is really sad, Will.
It's 10:30 and you're just now cracking open that book.
No, that's not true. I cracked it earlier when I had to write down...
...this honey's phone number right next to the periodical table.
Do you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?
No, not really.
Here.
Little Timmy took a drink But he will drink no more
For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4
That's how I remember the equation for sulphuric acid.
Oh, look, look. I got one. I got one.
Little Carlton was a boy Whose body was short and stumpy
He never shut his mouth So I kicked his little rumpy
Are you quite finished?
Yup, all ready.
Hey, Carlton, that's really annoying.
Oh, sorry, nervous habit.
Sorry, nervous habit.
Fool.
I am so sorry, Geoffrey, but if I put him down...
...he cries even harder.
So would you mind making up more formula?
Mind? Madame, you woke me from a most marvelous dream.
I haven't had one this good since I was strip searched at Dulles Airport.
"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry."
Honey, could you hold Nicky just a second?
Wait, Aunt Viv, come on, l...
He stopped.
Well, these fingers can work magic.
Ain't that what the honeys tell me, huh?
- Okay, it's 10:37. I'm calling the police. - Philip.
Police don't need your hysterical calls cluttering up their phone lines.
They've got to catch real criminals.
Like the murderous muggers and thugs...
...that hang around movie theaters after hours.
She's at the mall. She's not at the Pussycat Theater.
I've never seen a mugger at the Pussycat Theater.
- Hello. - Hi, Mr. Banks.
Can I speak to Ashley?
She's not home from her date. She was supposed...
- Daddy, I got it. - Ashley, sweetheart, where are you?
I'm upstairs in my room.
I got home 20 minutes ago.
Come on, hang up, I wanna talk to Connie about my date.
I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
All right, sweetheart, good night.
This is too easy.
Are you ready?
Don't I feel like an idiot?
Ashley got home 20 minutes ago. She's upstairs talking on the phone.
Oh, really?
That's a load off my mind.
I think I'll go to bed.
- Good night, Geoffrey. - Good night, sir.
Idiot.
Maybe you can hold on to Nicky till he falls asleep.
Well, no, Aunt Viv, listen, I can't. I have to study.
You can't study if the baby is crying.
It shouldn't take long. He hasn't slept all day.
All right.
You are getting sleepy.
Very, very sleepy.
Your eyelids are getting heavier.
Your little head is drooping.
Hi, I'm back.
Maybe we should just try a bottle and a warm bath.
Thought you'd never ask.
The coffee commercial went great.
First, I take a big sip of coffee, then I say:
Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.
When I don't have my head in the clouds...
...I like to relax with a nice hot cup of Casual Cup coffee.
So rich and fine, tastes just like you ground the beans yourself.
First take, I said, " Tastes just like you found the beans yourself."
We did it again, I said, " When I don't have my head in the crowds."
- So I did it again, and... - Hilary.
How many takes did you do?
Only 41. You think that would tire me out.
But I'm more awake now than when I started.
Stupid question, did you forget to spit after each take?
Why would I spit it out? I'm nuts about coffee.
It's not made from nuts, it's from beans, so I guess I'm beans about coffee.
Oh, gee, I'd love to stay and continue this fascinating monologue...
...but I have to get some studying done.
I've always wondered, if coffee's made from beans...
...does that make it a vegetable?
Why are you following me?
Don't you have to work in the morning? Shouldn't you go sleep?
I'd love to go to sleep, but I can't. I'm wide awake. See?
Why don't you try doing something boring like reading the dictionary?
- Do you have one? - Of course, I do.
What do you think is propping up my makeup table?
Finally.
- Carlton, I need your earplugs, man. - Hey!
Come on, man. Listen, I can't concentrate.
I read that same sentence like two million times.
If this test covers more than:
"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry", I'm done.
Maybe next time you should promise to yourself...
...not to put things off until the last minute.
You know what? You're right, man.
And I've been wanting to squeeze your peezy little head...
...like a grape all day long, and now is as good a time as any.
Give me those earplugs.
Give me your earplugs, man.
I'm not sharing anything with you, mister.
Who knows where those ears have been?
That's it. That's it. Come here. Come here.
Get over here. Get over here. Get over.
Time-out, Ashley's home.
Ashley? I thought she was supposed to be upstairs in bed.
Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Why is everybody still up?
You know, you're making it very difficult for me to sneak in.
Ashley, even you should know if you're trying to get past Uncle Phil...
...you don't go through the kitchen.
I guess I have a lot to learn.
No, you learn too much.
What you doing trying to run my phone scam for?
Well, it worked.
That's not the point.
Look, the point is you don't realize the dangers that are lurking out there.
Look, Ashley, listen. Guys are only after two things.
I thought they were only after one.
Well, yeah, but they wanna do it more than once.
- That noise is driving me crazy! - Daddy's up?
Get down, hide, hide. Get down.
I can't stand all that chirping.
Geoffrey! Geoffrey!
You rang?
Where did you last put the insecticide?
In your soup.
Boy, you're a grumpy Gus.
I was having a most wonderful dream.
Amazon women had just bound me with sinuous vines...
...and were taunting me with tangelos.
What the hell is a tangelo?
"'Tangelo', the fruit of a hybrid citrus tree...
...that is a cross between certain varieties of grapefruit and tangerine."
- Thank you. - No, thank you.
I never knew how much fun I could have reading the dictionary.
I mean, it's filled with all kinds of words.
Big words, little words, abbreviations, common phrases.
Can I look up a word for you?
- Go away. - Oh, that's two words.
- This will take care of that little sucker. - Sir, that's air freshener.
Well, it's all we have. It might work.
Yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze...
...will recall some painful memory for him, and then he'll commit suicide.
Quick, get in here!
You were lucky Uncle Phil didn't catch you.
Well, there's still time.
What's that supposed to mean?
Remember last year when I skipped school...
...so I could pre-register for jury duty?
And a little somebody snitched on me?
Well, missy, the tables have finally turned.
Oh, Carlton, you're evil, man.
Please, don't tell, I'll do anything.
I'll clean your room. I'll polish your Star Trek figurines.
No. Now it's coming from the kitchen.
Get down, get down!
That cricket sounds like it's coming from two places at once.
Must be the ventriloquist of the animal kingdom.
You know, Dad, I think it's coming from this side of the counter.
No, you know, Uncle Phil...
...I think he's over here, the sneaky little bugger.
I was right the first time.
It's coming from the family room. Come on.
I'll hunt that cricket if it's the last thing I do.
His head will make a fine trophy, sir.
Carlton, you stink.
You just go ahead outside. I'll go upstairs and get your pajamas.
You can put them on and pretend you just came down for a snack.
My God, that bug isn't gonna get the best of me.
Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he was chasing Moby Dick.
Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?
Geoffrey.
- How'd you like to be unemployed? - What do you mean?
"Unemployed. Out of work, jobless, not being used.
I.E., a person who does not have a job."
See, the answer is right at your fingertips.
- Here. Put those on. - Okay.
Oh, man, I don't believe this.
- Oh, my God, it's 1:30. - That's true.
And it's a shame you always have to learn the hard way.
As for me, I'm just finishing my paper.
Can't stand it anymore.
This chirping is boring a hole straight into my skull.
There she blows, captain.
By the table! By the table!
I got him.
I killed that little sucker.
Philip, stop charging about like a rogue elephant.
- You're lucky you didn't wake Nicky up. - My paper.
Thirty pages of genius gone.
Oh, well. I guess sometimes that little hardworking head...
...just gets squashed into a little black spot, huh?
That's funny, ain't it?
Listen, you did all this hard work, I didn't do anything...
...and we're both in the same boat.
- Except that my paper was optional. - Optional?
Yeah, I was only doing it to get in good with the professor.
Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to bring him some cupcakes.
Hello.
This is Philip Banks.
Well, no, I haven't seen Randy...
...and Ashley's been home since 10:30.
Well, I'll call you back if she knows anything.
That was Randy's father.
Apparently, Randy decided to go somewhere else...
...after dropping Ashley off.
Thank God I have a responsible child.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey.
Hey, man.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go ask Ashley if she knows where Randy went.
Oh, man, you're not gonna just go up there...
...and wake her up, are you?
I mean, she could already have morning breath.
Will, please.
Randy's father has a very serious problem.
If she did something like that, I'd throttle her.
No, no, no. Throttling isn't anything like killing, is it?
Not exactly. The second definition of throttle is, "To strangle, choke."
Killing is the result of throttling.
Either way, I think we're about to see a demonstration.
Ashley's not in her room!
I'm right here, Daddy. I was just in the kitchen getting a snack.
We were just in the kitchen.
- I mean the kitchen in the pool house. - The pool house is being fumigated.
Where am I?
What am I doing down here?
I must have been sleepwalking.
I better go back to my room.
Ashley.
You've already lied once tonight. Let's not make it a habit.
Daddy, none of my other friends had a curfew.
If I came home at 10:30, everyone would think I was a baby.
You have to realize that I'm growing up.
Sweetheart, I am your father.
It is my job to protect you.
It's a job I refuse to quit, and at which I can't afford to fail.
I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
Of course, you won't, sweetheart.
- Because you're grounded for 10 years. - Ten years?
Or whenever you move out of the house. Whatever comes first.
- That's not fair. - Tell it to the judge.
Oh, that's me.
I killed the cricket.
What a horrible death.
- But, Dad, you can't do that to me. - Watch me.
But, no!
Ding-dong, the cricket's dead
Ashley's grounded Now you all go to bed
Will, the house is all yours. Come on, guys.
"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry."
Come on, Dad, 10 years?
The Menendez brothers will be free before I am.
The Menendez brothers got home on time.
Will, wake up.
Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry.
Will, it's 8:00.
You don't have much time to get changed and get to school.
Oh, man.
I never even got past the first page.
- Well, what are you gonna do? - Carlton, I'm gonna fail.
Hate to say, I told you so.
So how'd the test go, Will?
I got an 85.
What? But you didn't even study.
How could you have learned everything you had to know about chemistry?
Well, the only chemistry I needed...
...was between me and the honey in the next seat.
You know what I'm saying?
You have a good winter.
Wait a second, Will.
You're not really gonna let people think you cheated?
Yeah, I know. I know. You're right. You're right.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- So how'd the test go, Will? - I failed.
See, Will, you can't put studying off until the last minute.
I know, I know, you're right.
You know what? I'm gonna run to the library right now.
And I'm not leaving until I learn everything to know about chemistry.
That's the spirit.
Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.
When I don't have my head in the clouds...
...I like to relax with a nice hot cup of...
- Cup of hot coffee. - From the top.
Well, at first I said... Oh, shoot. Damn it.
- Then what did you say? - I forgot.
And the next take I said, " When I don't have my..." Oh, shoot, shoot.
- And the next thing I said... - Hilary...
...how many takes did you do?
Only 41. You think that would tire me out.
But I'm more awake now than when we started.
I'm gonna pass out, you know.